What Have I Achieved

What have I achieved

and where am I going?

How I hate the doubts

the darkness of not knowing.

I’ve forgotten the questions

unsure of the answers,

stumbling through life

one of Gods blind dancers.

With so many choices

and as many directions,

no sense of awareness

still numb to detections.

I’m tired of existing

wanting to conceive and thrive,

to believe and achieve

and truly be alive.

Gary R. Cramer

October 28, 1992

Who Am I

Who am I?

you might never know,

if you do not stay

but instead you go.

What defines me

in my very own way,

there’s so many parts

but who’s to say.

It’s not my hair

whether combed or not,

it’s just brown hair

and I’ve got a lot.

It used to be blonde

when I was young,

sometimes in Summer

1it returns with the sun.

Unlike some who

saw it come and go,

now bald as a knee

with nothing but glow.

Maybe my eyes

a deep gentle blue,

a path to my soul

only taken by a few.

Certainly not my teeth

all thirty-two,

mostly original but

crowns on a few.

Not labeled hairy

but some on my chest,

a lady or so found it

for fingers to nest.

But if you really desire

to know what I’m about,

you have to dig deep

seek without doubt.

A big part of me

is my searching mind,

always so busy

trying to be kind.

My thoughts are many

often running amuck,

seldom staying still

yet sometimes getting stuck.

Then there’s my heart

beating with such desire,

giving life to my body

I hope not soon to retire.

Mechanical by nature

emotional by myth,

aching and breaking

always questing a with.

Last but not least

there’s my tortured soul,

binding all the parts

to make them whole.

It’s these last three

where you must go,

if I’m the one

you wish to know.

All the rest of the parts

only make me a male,

from the other three

a man strong without fail.

But the best of soldier

rising from a fight,

needs a fair maiden

to calm the night.

Not merely a mate but

to share what some hide,

nor to lead or follow

better to walk side by side.

So tell me true

and answer this,

what would it harm

to start with a kiss?

Who am I?

you might never know,

if you do not stay

but instead you go.

Gary R. Cramer

October 28, 2014

Today I Think I Died A Little

Of this traveled rough road

There is no middle,

Today I think

I died a little.

She came into this world

So tiny and pure,

She had captured my heart

Of that I’m sure.

I watched and marveled

As she started to grow,

From the very beginning

She had a special glow.

Those first little sounds

So short and simple,

She was so very angelic

Right down to her dimple.

Then came the movements

That started with a reach,

As she began her journey

And what life would teach.

Then there was the step

The beginning of her path,

That turned into running

And made us all laugh.

When she looked at the world

For the first time to see,

What I had taken for granted

She observed with glee.

I never had a choice

There was never a doubt,

I loved her so much

I wanted to proudly shout.

When she held my hand

I became her white knight,

I vowed to the universe

For her I would fight.

I tried so hard

To give her what I could,

Not just money and things

But love, values and good.

Together we grew

More like one than two,

I felt a bond so strong

Of two souls in life’s glue.

I wanted to protect her

Keep her from evil and harm,

I’d have given up my life

At the first sound of her alarm.

I longed to teach her

All the things about life,

How to avoid the pitfalls

And dodge the strife.

And yet it was her

With her eyes so bright,

That she became the teacher

And taught me delight.

But in her early teens

Things started to change,

She learned through lies and to hate

And we became estranged.

I don’t know what she was told

To make her hate me so,

I’m at a total loss for words

When she told me to go.

I was there to support her

Tell her she was doing great,

But her response to me

Was SHUT UP and a loud break.

It was the sound of my soul

That had just come apart,

It wept soulful tears

My poor aching empty heart.

How do I exist

And continue to live,

What’s the purpose of life

With no love to give.

She walked up so grown up

And said she hated me,

And my world collapsed

And I wanted to flee.

I tried to tell her

She didn’t know what was real,

But her mind had been twisted

By another’s lies and evil spiel.

My only hope for now

Is that she will grow up some day,

And our paths will again cross

So she can hear what I have to say.

I still love her as much

As I did that little girl,

I’ll always be her Pop Pop

Because she’s a big part of my world.

Now I’m so lost

Not able to see her smile,

I’m like a dying man

Walking his last mile.

Of this traveled rough road

There is no middle,

Today I think

I died a little.

Gary Cramer October 8, 2009